NOTE: In sharing results of an exploratory case study, it is important to note that generalizations reported in our Major Findings are the perceptions of participants and should not be assumed to be representative.
Types of conflict & violence
In each of the four cases, participants described experiences of conflict common to family life. No incidents of physical violence were reported. Verbally aggressive behaviors were noted, with accompanying emotional pain, but there were no indications of chronic patterns of abuse. If conflict escalated to violence, it would most likely be consistent with Kelly and Johnson's description of situational couple violence. Especially important in the experience of conflict were: the perception of being misunderstood, the experience of verbal aggression, and the challenge of reconciliation.
1. The Experience of Family Conflict
As stories were shared about the experience of family conflict, several patterns began to emerge. Chief among these were: the importance of empathy and the influence of gender roles and stereotypes.
The Importance of Empathy for Self and Others
Each participant had unique experiences of family conflict to share, but through all these stories was a consistent need to be heard and understood by their partner.
"The common problems in my family conflict are lack of understanding or empathy or listening to different thoughts of each other, which always bring us to get angry with each other."
“Most of the conflicts arising within my family involve not listening, which frequently leads us to make a judgment and wrong understanding of one another.”This inability to be understood was also related to feelings of powerlessness in one or both partners. These feelings of powerlessness, in turn, increased the likelihood of family conflict.
"...she didn't understand me. She didn't know what my need was. Sometimes, I told her I needed something for a specific reason, but she always refused. It made me angry with her."
“My husband is so stubborn and firm on his side....most of the times it made me angry with him. He should listen completely before making a conclusion...”
"Being angered, I spent my time on doing my work and did not talk to her and even did not come home to have lunch or dinner. I understood her nature was stubborn and it was not easy for her to come to reconcile with me until I came to her first. If I don't want the conflict to become bigger, I'm the one to compromise and reconcile with her."And in one case, the presence of empathy paved the way for reconciliation.
“Even though I was angry with him, I still kept my character of being reasonable and reacted in a polite way. He couldn't deny humbling himself to listen to my own reason and my opinion.”
Gender Stereotypes & Expressing Vulnerability
Why Focus on Gender?
Although the data was analyzed using all seven of Walker’s Social Indicators, the most significant patterns emerged while looking at gender issues. Gender roles appear to play a dominant part in family conflict and violence. Specifically, in these four cases, the men tended to experience a great deal of pressure to conform to socially reinforced images of masculinity, while the women tended to express needs for connection, respect, and being heard. However, this should not be taken to mean that the men felt no need for emotional connection and respect (they clearly did) or that women felt no societal pressures (they clearly did). Rather, gender stereotypes in Cambodia seem to reinforce these expectations and, in turn, influence how conflict is experienced by men and women.
All of the cases shared stories that revealed how gender stereotypes can impact family conflict.
For example, a man's strength and power is often linked to his ability to earn the income for the family and a resultant expectation for the man to display this wealth. In one case, this social pressure provoked a disagreement over who was to handle money during travel -
“I wanted to show others that, as a man, I earned the money to spend on my wife or family.”Focus group discussions reflected on the stories each case told as it related to gender and noted important ideas. First, domestic duties are commonly associated with weakness, so that -
“The man is very few times encouraged to have time with the children; he is the breadwinner and is seen to be tired after his work; if he returns home from work and sees the mess from the children, he can scold her (the wife) or even beat her and the community would see it as the wife's fault.”Instead, the “strong man” may even be encouraged to be aloof from his family -
“Most men here would say that there are three things a man should know, 1) women, 2) wine, and 3) gambling.”
“For my situation, I don't participate in the parties in my neighborhood, so they say to me that I am not a pure man and that I have a woman's attitude - instead of being a man I like doing the housework.”Finally, in one case a male peacebuilder felt like his conviction to be different and exhibit strength in non-dominating ways negatively impacted his ability to be respected and listened to by others in the family.
Similarly, both male and female cases expressed rigid roles for women, usually associated with managing finances and domestic duties. For example, one male remarked that –
“Sometimes I recognize the nature of a lady as a person stricter on spending money.”And a female remarked that –
“...it is the nature of a woman to see a cleaned and tidy house. … I started to think as well about the differences between men and women. I rather reconciled with him so that the conflict of doing housework might be reduced.”Focus group discussion also reflected on how parental roles are similarly affected by gender stereotypes. Consistent with the ‘strong man’ image, mothers take a more prominent role in parenting.
“Since the baby is born, the mother is always closer to the children; a good father is still not as close as the wife.”
“Even for the mother who is working and has the business, she still finds a way to be close to the children.”These gender conceptions often had a strong relationship to family conflict. For example, a man may feel it is difficult to admit mistakes or seek reconciliation, or he may be perceived as weak if he does these things.
“As a man, I feel shame to talk to my wife first when we have a conflict.”
“A man should not have a mistake.”
“To let it go (i.e., not talk about the conflict) can be understood as an apology. To say it out loud is shameful for a man.”
“Talking first shows his weakness, shows he has a mistake inside him....For the wife to point it out also makes him vulnerable.”
“Then I understood that the nature of man being the husband in conflict is hardly to compromise to the wife.”
2. Supporting Healthy Family Practices
Respecting & Valuing One Another
Empathetic listening skills were indicated as key in learning to respect and value family members. These skills empowered participants to uncover common interests and values beneath their differences.
“I believe that if each couple is aware of [empathetic listening skills] and performs them well, they will hardly have the conflict among them. Importantly, they might be able to see the values of one another more clearly.”
“...empathetic listening and emotional control are really important to the situation of my family conflict. It helps me think more deeply to find out what is the reason behind [my spouse's attitude].”
Parenting that Nurtures, Protects & Guides
Understanding and valuing all family members also helped parents create positive relationships with children in the family. For example, one participant was able to encourage change in the ways the family responded to his daughter's mistakes. Together, they chose to encourage their daughter for her efforts instead of scolding and blaming her for her failures.
“One of my daughters was being scolded and blamed everyday by my wife and the rest of my family for her repeated mistakes. However, I could see this method to correct her was not the right way; I saw no improvement at all. I told them not to scold her but we should try to understand and find out what was the reason behind her mistakes. I explained to them all about the situation she would find and how hard she worked for the family. They gradually changed the way of thinking towards her and she was being encouraged on and on. This is a good example of practicing the lesson.”
Adapting to Change
“Flexibility in adapting to both internal and external demands of life” was enhanced by lessons on emotional regulation, problem identification and analysis, forgiveness (of self and other), and a Judeo-Christian theology of peace practice. One case commented that:
“Before taking the CCMT course, I had no way to solve the problem. If I had an argument with someone I might not talk to her or him and perhaps stop having a relationship with them at all.”
Solving Problems Peacefully
Not surprisingly, there was a very strong connection between Peace Bridges’ training and “effective problem-solving strategies allowing for conflict resolution.” Cases noted several lessons that promoted these skills: understanding, communication and active listening skills; anger management (including “avoidance” as an acceptable strategy – taking time off to cool down before confronting a problem); emotional regulation or rational emotive therapy; problem analysis; forgiveness; and a Judeo-Christian theology of peace practice.
All four cases shared how the training enhanced their abilities to solve problems peacefully.
“Being quiet not to respond harshly while the conflict arose was the effective way to solve my problem. It gave me time to consider the reason and helped me calm down as well. It released my anger and helped me speak out consciously.”
“Conflict analysis tools which I used helped release the anger by taking away from the problems for a while... It enhances me to prevent the serious problem."
“...we obviously will not really want to make any reconciliation if we are under strong emotions.”
“Fighting to win is not a good way to deal with the conflict, but discussing and reconciling is...”
“I used to assume..., but now I've changed the way of thinking...to look at the problem tree...to find out the reason and help...find the solution to the problem.”
3. Identifying Continuing Needs
Identifying & Understanding Aggravating Factors
Peace Bridges’ long-term training was effective in empowering peacebuilders to deal with common family conflicts. In these situations, the main limiting factor was the need for more training with direct application to family situations and accompanying role plays. However, one case also raised the important issue of understanding aggravating factors (in this case, drunkenness) that complicate family conflict.
For this peacebuilder, training supported her ability to cope with the situation, helping her understand and have empathy with her partner and promote her own emotional regulation. However, the training did not help the family address some root problems, indicating both a potential strength and weakness:
Basic peace education is not sufficient in itself to address more complex family issues. However, it may be effectively integrated into programs addressing complex family issues and with great potential for enhancing the effectiveness of those programs.
Providing More Opportunities to Apply and Practice
Participants showed a strong understanding of basic peace education concepts but sometimes struggled to consistently implement them in their families. They identified a need for support and practice, including homework assignments and role plays. Additionally, specific needs related to understanding and open communication were identified in three areas:
- more practice in empathetic listening to understand the other's view and values;
- the role of gossip in escalating or provoking conflict;
- parenting issues (such as listening to your children to foster family intimacy).
For example,
“Perhaps we are not good listeners to the children. They rarely come to us and discuss their issues. Instead they go and tell their friends. I can see we haven't provided enough family intimacy, that's why our children run out to the others when they have a problem rather than coming to us. We sometimes blame each other for this reason.”
Community Support
Another related issue was locating ongoing support within communities. Cases indicated that while they were part of larger social circles that could (and at times did) provide this needed support, these relationships were not always positive and supportive. Neighbors sometimes criticized one another (even to the point of predicting eventual marital failure/divorce) and neighborhood gossip about the family could initiate/escalate conflict situations. Additionally, in one family, relatives intervened to prevent divorce without also providing resources to help solve the conflicts/tensions that were fueling the desire for separation.
“Sometimes, I chose to divorce...but our elderly relatives always helped with the intervention and encouraged us not to get divorced.”
“After being married, there were many criticisms from our neighborhood; they said we would not keep our marriage relationship for long and that we might get divorced someday because we were from a different family status.”
“... [My spouse] is always complaining and telling our neighbors about our problem. It doesn't help at all and sometimes it doubles our problem. I often argue with [my spouse] for this reason.”
Understanding the Limitations of Empathy
It is also important for participants to understand the limits of listening and empathy, including the risk of perpetuating situations of injustice or violence (Saguy et al 2009; Tsang and Stanford 2006). In the example of the aggravating factors, increased empathy and forgiveness for her partner helped the case remain in the relationship without the relationship being changed: alcohol consumption and verbal aggression continued. Another case exhibited a similar tendency: increased empathy and understanding, while leading to several transformative interactions, also increased the case’s tolerance for some unhealthy family patterns, including lack of mutual respect.
